Everybody has something they want/don’t want to hear in every different situation. There are words meant for particular purposes and situations, and not every word can be said at a particular time.
It is a true statement of fact that love and care cannot be perfected without words, but it’s far better to keep quiet than to speak inappropriate words to a person in a condition.
Without much ado, we’ll take some examples to start with.
***What do you say to a person who has just lost something valuable/precious?
*Don't dare say...
-"It just wasn't meant to be." It's easy to be philosophical when it's not happening to you.
-"Are you going to try again?" When someone's grieving over a loss, he/she doesn't really want to think about another just yet.
-"At least you know you can get another!" Right, but he/she also knows they can lose it again. Not something they want to be reminded of.
*Do say...
-"I'm so sorry to hear about what happened."
-"I'm here if you feel like talking about it."
-"Want to get something done? Can I run errands for you? I'd like to help in any way I can."
***When Someone Loses a Relationship
Losing a relationship for whatever reason is something heavy enough to down a person.
Emotions run high when a relationship breaks up, and victims need someone who can help deal with their feelings.
*Don't dare say...
-"Was he/she cheating?" Never press for details -- it's none of your business unless your friend needs to vent.
-"Did you think about how this will affect you in the long run?" Yes, your friend has probably thought about this far more than you can imagine.
-"I’ve experienced this times without number, this can really be hurting, I almost drank detol during my last experience, and …..bla bla bla." Your story is not relevant -- unless your friend explicitly asks for your memories on this subject.
*Do say...
-"I just called to see how you're doing and to tell you I'm sorry that you've been going through such a difficult time."
-"How are you holding up? Let me know if you'd like to meet for some drink or just go to the movies (or something you know they'll love)."
-"You're going to get through this."
***When Someone Says Something Hurtful to You in a Discussion
If you're going through a crisis, and someone makes a remark you find inappropriate, you have every right to cut the encounter short.
But…
*Don’t dare say…
-“Are you blind, deaf or too retarded to realize am hurting or that your words hurt?” Such responses only multiply your pain in exponents.
-“Do you realize you’re talking to a living thing, a human being?” such responses will only succeed in prolonging the undesirable discussion.
Then what do I say? (Guess you’re asking already)
* Say something like, "Thanks for your concern," and then change the subject. Or, if you're comfortable being more direct, say, "I'm sorry, I don't really feel like talking about this."
-“Some minutes please” excuse yourself unsuspectingly from that environment.
Silence they say is the best answer for a fool, but I tell you, you’ll be better off allowing the second party presume this themselves than you saying the wrong words at the wrong time, "calling them a fool", something you thought you were avoiding by speaking up.
I’ll rest on this at this time, until some other times; we really cannot exhaust possible responses to situations. It is left to us all to be wise and careful with what we say and when.
That popular saying “Put yourself in my shoes” is one of the world’s funniest and most vague expressions, for we really cannot put ourselves in anyone’s shoes, once it’s not happening to you, it’s not happening to you.
The second like it is; “I know what you’re going through”. More than any other, this sentence makes me laugh. No matter how many times you have experienced what the second party is presently experiencing, you still don’t know what they are going through. I’ll explain.
Every individual is individual and special with their responses and feelings towards certain situations. The same circumstances do not generate exactly the same feelings, emotions and responses from a sample of people.
However, even in very rare situations when all these appear to remain constantly similar in a tested sample of people, the duration of such feelings of joy/pain will never be the same.
Hence, you hardly can put yourself in anyone’s shoes, nor do you know exactly what they are going through. At best, just say “I think I have an idea of what you’re experiencing”.
Please Note: There’s no perfection in this, you can only get better.
The writer writes not as one who has attained, but one who is still pressing towards the mark. We all fall short of these things and many more, I just hope this helps somebody. Thanks.
It’s The Wordsmith™.